7/17: Denver iv- Day 3

I had continued to notice the frequent irritation with certain things, but oddly that I ALSO had a new sense of overall calm. I have been known over the years to have a bit of an edge, and let little things provoke me. That had stopped since I had been back, at least as it pertained to the insignificant. I was content to let life drift by, worrying about what I could control and seemed important. However, there were certain instances when that calmness and serenity annihilated at seemingly inexplicable times. Stores seem to provoke these times!

I walked down to King Soopers to get some cigarettes and to stop in to the coffee shop to hang out for a bit. Outside of the Capital Hill King Soopers, there are usually activists collecting signatures and money, for whatever cause they’re pimping that day. Today it was for my least favorite organization not named PETA: Greenpeace.

I saw the guy well before I went in, and felt myself getting angry just at the sight of this seemingly college- age kid wearing the hippie- uniform complete with the Greenpeace upper- body billboard. He used the “you care about the environment, right?” line to try to guilt me into stopping to hear his schpeel and of course grab my signature. I said something to the effect of “Yeah, but I hate Greenpeace.” They are trained to respond to these negative reactions to their activist- panhandling by saying, “Well, you have NICE day too…” with the now- standard upward inflection on “too”!

It was such a canned, pre- arranged response from this little leftie- puppet that before I knew it, my rage had built to the point where my mouth had lost its filter. I told him, in a rather loud voice, “I’ll have a VERY nice day if you’ll go fuck yourself.” With the upward inflection on “fuck yourself”. He had vapor lock, not knowing how to handle this. Keep in mind he was in a public setting, at a business, dealing with someone who was obviously belligerent toward his organization. So much so, that this someone was willing to cause quite a scene if he continued to press the issue.

Greenpeace, PETA, and extremist organizations like them are constantly fighting a P.R. war. They’ve both done more harm to the “causes” they claim to advocate simply by appearing to be eco- terrorists, all the while exploiting the naive, idealistic, well- intentioned sheep who are too young know better than to support them with labor, money, and signatures. Having a loud argument at the entrance to a supermarket with someone who simply wanted to be left alone would NOT exactly be a public relations coup, especially for these wannabe extremists.

As I walked inside, I noticed that the manager had heard the exchange and quickly walked outside to speak with Hippie McDouche. Mr. Manager was doing all of the talking. He did not seem pleased. Mr. McDouche remained, but I doubt he continued to use the obnoxious line with which his handlers provided him.

After I had left the supermarket I was a little disturbed, but also quite encouraged. I was not disturbed by fact that I had yelled at a puppet with Greenpeace’s paw up its ass, but at how FAST and to the degree that I had gotten angry. It was a bit frightening, and not in character for me. Usually it takes weeks for me to build up that kind of anger! The only conclusion I could come to, at the time, was realizing how far I’d come from being that Liberal Agenda Dog myself 5- years ago.

Sometimes the things that bother you the most are the things that remind you of yourself. There was more to it, but that was the only thing I could come up with at the time.

The encouragement came from the fact that I obviously had tapped into or developed some resources I had been lacking: crystallized ideas and more importantly unwavering confidence in them. The self- doubt that has plagued me forever, as it pertains to action, is drastically dissipating. That was encouraging, but only the first example of many that would show me that I now had to learn how to deal with it!

I walked back to the Friary feeling quite ornery, but with no other confrontations, thankfully. We went to Barracuda’s later and I was feeling quite agitated and unsettled, not only about the incident at the store, but with everything that surrounded being in Denver. I told Chris what had happened, and he just chuckled saying he thought that I had possibly gained more focus. I was not sure. I just knew that I was unexpectedly perturbed and could not figure out why!

We managed to stay out until 2am helping Angela celebrate her birthday, and I had decided that I was going to take the bus back to Santa Fe the following morning. I thought that maybe some time back there would provide a foundation for reflection and comparison so I could process, and maybe figure out what exactly had changed.
It was a quick and surprising 3 days in Denver. It was obvious by now that I NEEDED the interlude this time and that I was entering uncharted territory with myself.

7/16: Denver iv- Day 2

I spent all afternoon transferring old posts and setting up the new blog. It took the ENTIRE day to do it, but I was happy with the way things turned out. I continued to try to crop and edit more of the pictures too. I began to sniff around, a tiny bit, for some possible temp- work and come up with days to get back to Santa Fe. I figured that the sooner I got back there, the less money I'd spend and thus the more I'd have put back for August. I'd pretty much assumed I'd go back there until 7/31, and leave from Albuquerque on I-40, riding with Shalain on her way to the airport. That of course unless some dramatic development led to finding a solid way to make money.

I went down to Chris's coffee shop to hang out for a bit, and when I left stopped off at the grocery store for some cigarettes and Coke, since Angela had offered to cook us dinner after the got off of work. I was still trying to figure out the disconnected feeling, when something else began to manifest: intense frustration leading to anger.

I found myself getting VERY annoyed VERY quickly at having to deal with the inefficiency at the supermarket! Stupid, I know-- and knew THEN. But I couldn't help it. I was utterly pissed off at finding myself re- engaged into the system. I was going from my metaphorical jungle back into the zoo, and I was NOT adjusting well! I dumped the Coke off in the nearest aisle, and got out of there immediately, going instead across the street to the more expensive convenience store to get the Coke to mix with Friar's Jim Beam.

I was curious before I got back how exactly this trip would change me, and I now had my first indication and that example worried me a bit. Why the quick- building anger? What exactly WAS that from and why was it seeming so difficult to readjust? Was this just a temporary reaction to the change in environment, and if so why did it NOT happen when I left? And, to top it off, it bothered me that every other time I'd stopped in Denver, it had a positive effect on me. This was really strange!

We got to bed pretty late and pretty drunk, but before we did Chris and I hatched a spontaneous (sort of!) plan. Chris finally acknowledged that perhaps the idea of us traveling together, and soon, was in fact a good idea. I had been suggesting the idea since April or May, but for numerous reasons Chris had thought it better to concentrate on his plan to open a coffee shop in Denver. Something had changed, and we began to discuss methods, funding, possible destinations and the likely as well as possible outcomes. The first idea was Europe. But, thanks to our weak dollar, that would be beyond expensive and I really didn't like the thought of following in the footsteps of every smelly college- aged hippie who'd done the 'backpack Europe thing'.

Then, there was Mexico. Cheap goods. Lots of history. And... marketed FEAR. The thought of cutting through the stereotypical bullshit and fear-mongering to discover the reality of the country AND the people appealed to me a great deal, and Chris too. I was eager to continue what I'd started out West: discovering exactly how many people were as fed up with this system, government, and hamster- on- the- wheel existence as I am. I'd also like to get a first- hand look at conditions and attitudes in Latin America, and how the REAL people view us. I sick of hyped- up, loaded anecdotes.

With that we figured "Why stop there?" If we timed it right, we could continue on to South America and possibly get to Rio in time for Carnival. Then there's Peru and Machu Picchu, Argentina, Chile, and Guatemala and Costa Rica on the way. A true adventure, especially considering I speak next to NO Spanish, not to mention Portuguese!

Nothing was set in stone, but we had set the possible framework to do something VERY significant, and I could still venture off toward the Atlantic in the meantime. Chris's sister is getting married in November, so we set December 1 as the tentative launch date, of course contingent on Chris deciding that he is 100% sure that he wants to do it.