2/2: Slab City- Deaf, Dumb, and Blind

Since 2008, there have been surprisingly few significant slip-ups when it comes to following that "Voice." I've been fortunate enough to catch myself at the last moment, or rescued by serendipity and subtle nudges from others. This was not to be the case this week. Mistakes would be made. They were significant. They were valuable. They were mine. All mine. If, while at Slab City, I had been focused and not creating my own doubt-induced Quixotisms, the next several days would look far differently than they shall instead lay out before you!

1/30: Slab City Limits

El Jefe had taken the time to closely observe things, and I was surprised to learn that he decided the place intrigued him enough to take the day off and hang around. That's quite a big deal for him, and nice that we'd be able to hang for another day. Saturday is also Chris's Phone Day: the day he catches up with everyone. Unfortunately, this one involved unexpected complications in Denver. Needing to focus on that, he took his leave of Leonard & Salvation Mountain. The three of us congregated at the bunker to see what the rest of the day held.

9/15/05: Hurricanes, Whoring, &... Buddha?

I saw Anthony Hopkins on Conan tonight. Very poignant at this point in time. He was talking about feeling "Zen." How when he quit trying to control everything, things seemed to flow for him. He realized that later in life, and just let things happen. That felt right. I've been trying to control and analyze everything. It occurred to me that during my trips this year, I had done exactly that. I had let go and was just reacting to events and living in the moment. Trying to feel everything and experience whatever life decided to throw at me. Letting go. Relinquish control. I'm far from qualified to control life anyhow! Let life, God, consciousness... whatever... lead me... wherever.

New Orleans, Slidell, Baton Rouge, Biloxi? That's the direction things are going, although dealing with the Red Cross and these fucking church groups is beginning to piss me off. Why is it so hard to... HELP? I thought couple weeks ago it was North Carolina, but things haven't played out. Katrina hit and I sniffed purpose. I've used that word 1000 times over the last 13 months and maybe the problem is that I'm seeking purpose through the wrong channels. Work? Others? I'll be hard-pressed to find purpose in a "job." Going to work doing something meaningless... just for a paycheck. Whore! That one particular day at 99Rock was beautiful! I came to realize exactly what hookers feel like! I'll not be a whore.

Zen? Let go? Why not! I've tried almost everything else. Six-month trial? I'll come back next summer. Overall, I've enjoyed Denver this year in all honesty. Coors Field and playing baseball. I'll keep plugging along and let fate decide where I'll end up. Maybe if no one helps me on the volunteer end, I should hop on the Greyhound? Greyhound a shorter time wise and safer.

Shalain and I are heading off camping down toward the Royal Gorge later this morning. I think I'll try to keep this little metaphysical sliver in mind this weekend. I'm trying to force, or work toward clarity. It is not working. Maybe it is, but not fast enough. My writing steers me in certain directions, but my experiences are what's really shaping me. This weekend will be a nice case study. I'll pay attention to how I feel.

I'm a bit weary. Need stimuli. I should be reading. I never did get to the library to get that book on Buddhism. I keep hearing things that are drawing me to a. "Calling" comes to mind, but want to avoid that word. I'd like to learn a bit more and see if it fits. Am I seeking religion? No, just answers. Maybe formulas that will put my mind at ease and help me find contentment and a purpose. Maybe I’ll take my Buddhism books down south. Yeah! Rednecks will love that! Off to the woods we go...