8/14: Massena, NY- Cracks

It took some time to understand, but Saturday morning’s frustration was less about Ahab, Ginger, or Bill than myself. Somehow that perfect Friday soured, and although I meant no harm other than being my oft-obnoxious self, something sinister and familiar crashed my little party via the radio conversation: what Chris likes to refer to as my negativity and judgment. Guilty: I have a track record as one aggressive, direct, cold, bitter son-of-a-bitch-- especially when someone tries to sell me on the value of conservatism or that shell-of-a-medium called radio! I suppose that’s because on some level, it still matters to me. The conversation ended, but I lugged the negative energy with me.

Michael Corbin: Loss of a Friend, and an Inspiration

Michael Corbin
1955-2008

Late last week, I learned that a friend, Michael Corbin, died earlier this year in Denver. Michael was the host of Paranet, a syndicated radio show in the same genre as Coast to Coast, which was very successful nationwide in the 90’s, and had hosted A Closer Look for the last severalyears.

I met him at that “infamous” Colorado Libertarian Party meeting in January ‘06. We hit it off, and when he learned of my radio background he invited me to stop by the studio to hang out while he did his show, and we quickly became good friends.

Michael was one of the most brilliant people I have ever had the privilege of knowing. Corbin was also, easily, the BEST radio personality I EVER personally worked with. His ability to personalize information, his recall of facts, his reservoir of knowledge, was phenomenal. I would sit in his guest chair during his show, and this "jaded little prick" (me) was in awe watching, and listening to him. Smooth. Concise. Informative. Smart.

More importantly, he is to this day my ultimate example of living one’s own ideals. He had an insatiable, authentic desire to find, then speak TRUTH, no matter its target; so much so, that it bordered on self- destructive. He did HIS show, HIS way. HE chose HIS topics, guests, and was always willing to do investigative work himself.

Michael was one of the few people whose personal example inspired me. He almost re- sold me on the relevance of radio! We were lightly discussing the possibility of grooming me as a fill- in host by putting me on the air weekends, to cut my teeth in talk radio. But, I went back to work for the Rockies, and the bike tour I was planning for that fall then quickly consumed me, and I forgot all about radio again.

We abruptly lost track of each other until late in 2006 or early 2007 when I called to say hello. He called back a couple of days later, said he would get with me soon, but I never heard from him again.

Michael was always suspicious of power, and because he was outspoken, made many enemies- some quite powerful. Someone firebombed his studio; that someone was never found. He also spoke regularly about people ransacking his house, tapping his phone, disappearing communications, strangers threatening and following him. I was skeptical at first, but it was not the sort of brazen claim of a person who was ‘touting’ it… he was concerned. The last few times I saw him, he had just gotten his CCW permit and was always carrying a gun.

There are many people who believe that his stroke is a cover story, and I’ll be honest: after what I saw, I can understand why. However, Michael chain-smoked, was well overweight, and had extremely high blood pressure. He missed several shows due to health reasons in the short 2+ months we hung out. He was NEVER going to quit smoking, but expressed concerns, to me, about his health; and this was 2 ½ years ago.

My friendship with Michael was short. However, it was one of my most influential. He was one of the few people I have ever admired. He was not rich, and by “radio’s” definition, struggled to repeat the “success” he had achieved early in his career. Nevertheless, this was the special aspect Michael Corbin; what drew people to him and his show: He put his ideals and truth WAY ahead of commercial reward. He believed in something. That’s what drove him. When I learned of his death online last week, a wave of disgust and shame came over me. It forced me to reflect on his example of course made me reflect upon my own; look in the mirror. That “wave” is lingering.

One of the last things Michael said to me was that if you have a message, it should be “out of love.” I had no idea what he meant at the time, and it rather annoyed me. I have come to realize that what he meant was that real truth and a genuine sense of purpose does not have its nexus in ego and self-interest. It springs out of an authentic concern, love, for others. The world is full of people who are solely concerned with presenting their "product" marketed as truth; a “worldview” contrived to make a buck, or in an effort to impose their will on others by putting on a dramatic, thunderous display of intellectual wit. Intellectually and verbally bullwhipping people into a compliant state. I finally understand what he was getting at.

I had not talked to him in almost two years, and he has been gone since March. I am sick that it took me seven months to learn of his death. It seems odd but I feel the loss. A loss not just for me, but there is a void “out there” now. The world is a less authentic place. I have thought over and over again that now, Michael, you have your answers. You know the ultimate truth! Rest well my friend.

6/10/07: Santa Fe- Inclinations & Rationalization

*Journal*

I'm really fighting some doubt right now. It's centered on the radio station, and considering I haven't even started, I'm annoyed. I can't shake the feeling that I've bound myself into something that's different than what I expected and wanted. I've been exposed to too many business-minded people; talking about "sales & revenue" like their running a fucking 7-11.

I haven't really looked that hard at why I avoided the [optional, uncompensated] airshift last week. It felt completely foreign... like I wasn't prepared for it. I'm not part of that team yet. I'm still "on-deck"; don't quite feel like I belong there. This is NOT how I envisioned this going! Where's the excitement? Where's the passion? Enthusiasm? Energy? I don't understand why I'm still in such a state of limbo. Am I that far off course? Have I been kidding myself? What exactly will it take for me to engage? Have I been out of radio too long? Am I beyond jaded? Jaded to the point where I can no longer function? "Functioning" is not an option. I must pull myself up and get busy. For better or worse.

I had not expected this. I figured that when I got here, I 'd be raging to get going.

Yes, I'm frustrated. Intimidated. Doubting myself., and wondering if I've gotten lost. I have changed a lot since we were in New Mexico before. I see the city [Santa Fe] as a money trap. The marketed mirage of an idea. A mirage that evaporates upon examination into nothing more noble than image-driven commerce. A lack of authenticity. A city of contradictions all concealed beneath a veil of contrived "culture" and "mystique." The energy [I've felt] is still here, but it doesn't emanate from the plaza [or Canyon Rd.]. It's elsewhere, which is why, I think, I wanted to live out here [in Pojoaque].

So, Todd, what is it that's not quite right? I've had the recurring dream: cracking the mic and not being able to finish a sentence. Not being able to communicate effectively. Having no control of my voice, both literally and figuratively. I have to honestly evaluate what it is I hope to "be" here, then decide how to get there. I came to Santa Fe, ultimately, to be part of something authentic. That word again! To integrate with whatever it was that I perceived was organic; a significant step toward singularity. I feel as though whenever I get close to hitting on something, I get yanked back... like I have a intermittent or bad connection.

What's my voice become over the last few years? Dissent is an obvious choice, but my politics and sociology have become muddled over the... months. And, what if I don't mesh with this "community?" I'm not a business person; I'm barely a capitalist anymore!

Let's be realistic: no one there is REALLY doing ANYTHING! I don't need to blow anyone away. I don't know to what preconceived standard I'm holding myself, but it shouldn't be so daunting...

5/11/07: Denver- Red Flags

2 1/2 months since I've written... on hold waiting for K*** (radio station) to come through. Mentally, I've checked out. I've also started smoking again. Cigars were my undoing. They got to be more and more until I realized that I might as well just smoke. A few mental earthquakes sealed their fate, and I essentially became a regular smoker again about three weeks ago.

Life at [with the Rockies at] Coors Field is stable. I chatted with them about [the move to] Santa Fe right off the bat, and they have no problem with me working all the way up until we leave. The Giants are in town w/ Barry Bonds. He's 10 away from Hank Aaron, and hitting well! Clint Hurdle [won't] pitch to him. How annoying! Two more after tonight [Tim Lincecum's first ML win], then Arizona's in next week. I finally get to see Randy Johnson. I've really enjoyed the ballpark again this year. I attribute it to the fact that I'm not emotionally attached to the job. I know I'm leaving and just want to enjoy it.

... For the next three weeks, my focus is Santa Fe. The ownership plan has changed and the station will now be part of a group rather than a stand-alone. I'm rather disappointed with that. The challenge is trying to figure out how things will go with the new owner [Skippy]. Supposedly, "nothing's going to change" [from the original plan] but we need to begin getting specifics. I's been strangely ambiguous about how things will shake out. I think I've theoretically held every shift on K***; his preference for me appears to be, of all things, mornings. Apparently they're letting the current host go. I have no idea... it seems a bit odd that he has no clear plan for his station after the purchase.

I don't know what to think or to expect. The initial "high" of moving back to New Mexico is wearing off... The long process [since February] has sapped most of the excitement, but I'm still looking forward to it. I need to begin to get mentally prepared to do radio again... to MOVE again. I'm getting a bit nostalgic about Denver. We've really enjoyed it here. Colorado's a nice place to live!