Upon Further Review...

A famous singer once said that when you start explaining yourself, you’re fucked. Another wise man also said, “Hope floats, but so does bullshit!”

With the help of friends over the last couple of months, I’ve come to several conclusions. Counter to our claims, truth & honesty are NOT highly regarded! Most would prefer insulating their image and feeling good at any cost—reality be damned. People go to remarkable mental, verbal, and physical extremes to avoid any challenge to often fictitious personal narrative. Protecting these narratives has inadvertently become the dominant theme of the past year.

Gone Fishin'

Over the last year, this blog has degenerated into something that's now bordering on black, with a negativity swirling around it that has literally begun to suck the life out of me. It seems that this began about the time Chris and I arrived in Michigan last year, and for the last few months, my posts, while historically accurate, were unforgiving in their observations & insights and becoming outright brutal and mean-spirited. My sincere (and unsolicited!) apologies to my sisters, Pam & Kim, as well as Andre, Cody, Chris, Wendie, Rael, and Karen. Be assured: I don't like that guy, either.

This hasn't felt right for a long time. I obviously need to unplug, and re-evaluate what it is I'm doing and why... and I need to do that without feeling I need to check in with you!

Thanks for your readership and support, I'll be back sometime...

3/22: Monterey, CA - Marinate for 24- Hours

Monday was quiet, and understandably a bit difficult. As I began to reflect over the previous few days, a cold realization set in about how I had gotten here, and the ensuing isolation and introspection called into question many things. I reflected back to just 4-days earlier, and how everything had felt “right.” NOTHING felt “right” now. I was severely disillusioned, and seriously questioned my both my motivation to, and purpose for, traveling this way. Powerful ideas were bubbling beneath the surface, but for the first time in memory, I honestly wasn’t sure that I cared. I eyeballed Greyhound and Amtrak as easy escapes and access to a much wanted reset button; had either had a terminal in Monterey, there’s no question that’s exactly what I would have done!

3/21: Monterey, CA- Azrael's Kryptonite

Of course, it was Karen!

How she found us I have no idea, but what was exceedingly clear was Rael's reaction to the sight of her van. He resembled a child meeting his mother at the airport! He seemed as though he had seen a friend, one who’d gone missing years before, emerge from a volcano! Or, that Santa Claus had arrived on Christmas morning. Based on his reaction the night before (“I’m sooo glad to be out of that fucking van!”), it was not the reaction one would expect. Watching him scamper like a Dune Deer across the sand and toward her van, after Saturday’s repeated declarations, snapped things clearly into focus. He was presumably going to see what she wanted but I had seen enough to know what HE wanted.

3/21: Monterey, CA- A Temporary Furlough

Sunday the 21^st started off well! Rael and I sat on our little dune, had a rather extravagant oatmeal breakfast, a few belts from my near-empty little bottle of rum, and chatted around the distant perimeter of our metaphysical ideas. Rael’s professed theological beliefs reminded me of my own. In many ways he appeared quite spiritual, yet wary of religion. But, with the “glad to be out of that van” and “get one more meal out of her” comments still top-of-mind, I remembered reading a few Facebook comments from people he’d met along the way-- ones religious in nature. I wondered: was he again playing The Chameleon now, or had he maybe played them? The tricky thing about uncovering Chameleons in the wild is that you’re left deciding for yourself what their real colors are.  I’d soon be left with no doubt whatsoever…

3/20: Monterey, CA- Karma Chameleon

"I'm a man (a man) without conviction
I'm a man (a man) who doesn't know
How to sell (to sell) a contradiction
You come and go, you come and go"
-Culture Club

3/19: Cambria, CA- What Would Jesus Sell?

Friday night was more of what I expected from this quick layover in Cambria, while it also introduced the theme for the immediate future. With Nick (’08) and Rael (Slab City), this was the never-before-seen opportunity of melding two of my distinctly separate experiences into a third, and I was curious to see what conversations, thoughts, and ideas spawned from the three of us.

3/19: Cambria, CA- Moonstones & Battlelines

I finally exhaled Thursday night and slept like a corpse. The Sierra Designs tarp shelter performed admirably on its first night of active duty, keeping the dew and Pacific moisture off of me and the backpack while providing the privacy and space not offered in a bivy alone. For the gearheads, the Origami is a lightweight, floorless tarp shelter utilizing five equilateral triangles and a telescoping pole/ walking stick/ guy line as a center support. It looks like a little teepee. The Origami can be set up in countless configurations depending on terrain and doesn’t weigh much, so I envision it as both a compliment to the bivy and as a replacement for a full tent.

3/18: Cambria, CA Revisited- Azrael's Karen

Pulling into San Simeon Beach State Park, memories came rushing back. The nostalgia was as thick as the persistent fog in seeing spots that have scorched themselves into my psyche; places only seen in my own photographs for the last couple of years. It had been less than two-years, but the Odyssey as I now know it began with Pat in San Luis Obispo, and literally took off after mending my blisters in this very place. Meeting Rael here seemed fitting as a kick-off to whatever adventures lie ahead in 2010. The few minutes before seeing Rael felt a great deal like "coming home."