Upon Further Review...

A famous singer once said that when you start explaining yourself, you’re fucked. Another wise man also said, “Hope floats, but so does bullshit!”

With the help of friends over the last couple of months, I’ve come to several conclusions. Counter to our claims, truth & honesty are NOT highly regarded! Most would prefer insulating their image and feeling good at any cost—reality be damned. People go to remarkable mental, verbal, and physical extremes to avoid any challenge to often fictitious personal narrative. Protecting these narratives has inadvertently become the dominant theme of the past year.

Azrael’s Teeth

When I originally wrote about my time with him, Rael mimicked Bill Clinton’s famous, “I did not have sex with that woman” line, emailing me shouts of “liar“ interwoven with physical threats to boot! Unfortunately for him, like Monica I have a metaphorical “blue dress.” About the time he promised to “see me” again, Karen and I opened a brief dialog during which she clarified two minor details because, as she put it,

“I can see you are fussy about the truth as you see it and i thought you might want those pieces. ! “

Indeed I am, and indeed I did.

I portrayed the events accurately—from the first time St. Azzie backstabbed Kari at Slab City, to the repeated badmouthings of Karen, all the way up to his “she has my kryptonite” comment in Monterey. I made nothing up and, unless he’s suffering chronic, pot-induced memory loss, he knows it.


The speculation and insight is obviously mine. I offered Azzie a chance to explain why they ditched me in Monterey. I was eager to hear why he left it to Karen to concoct and deliver his cover story; all explanations I felt entitled to. I remained silent for a month, at any point during which he could have offered me his version of things. I heard nothing... that is until I wrote about it! At that point, The Chameleon snorted, convulsed, and took the shape of an ordinary street punk. With that, any ensuing "reasons" became "reactionary excuses." I’ve said this before, and I stand by it.

Fun Fact: Being threatened by a "called-Christian" is hypocritically bizarre!

Threats from ex-repo men nicknamed The Reaper (one-in-the-same) is another matter all together. It should have been clear all along: The Reaper is alive and well, and is probably playing dress-up for the sake of reputation and marketing. His email resembled the guy I knew personally much more than the Holy Trooper for Christ portrayed in his newspaper interviews. Considering his history and aptitude for tracking people and taking their possessions, I thought it was wise to notify the proper authorities and it’s telling that in over 2-years of exposing myself to the dregs of society, this "scripture- inspired born again Christian" is the only one!

Rael knew long before I re-joined him that I wrote, and in fact welcomed it . He sang my praises while I was writing warm-fuzzies and perpetuating an image. He loved what I wrote about Kari, and repeatedly patted me on the back for telling her to "fuck herself." Had he read about Andre, the initial catalyst for my interest in him? Did he lose sight that I had come back to California with the sole-purpose of exploring a common idea… and then write about it? Then, what did he think would happen when I learnedt they’d left me in Monterey without warning, common courtesy, or explanation?

The Sabbatical

In May, I removed the Cambria- Monterey posts and explored a new direction. I miss the exciting, happy “days of discovery”; meeting people who were (clearly!) conjured up by a Purposeful Universe just for me! Unfortunately, I spent the winter slowly dissecting that philosophy and wondering if it was just a new spin on old mysticism. Was I simply plagiarizing existing doctrine, adding myself, then claiming it as "my own"? Probably, and that rattled me because it spoke to my own pesky tendency to narrate from ego, and to Azzie's credit, he served as the mirror reflecting this.

I hoped to recapture some of the excitement lost since last June, and to that end began believing my own concocted narrative while internalizing some old, familiar criticisms: "arrogant, unforgiving, judgmental." I wondered: Had I engineered or attracted these things, as Chris might claim? Had I attracted these "negative" experiences simply with a preoccupation with negativity? I actually began to think so for a few minutes. "Hope floats, but so does bullshit. The trick is knowing the difference."

Perception v. Reality

I’ve said it before: Reality is NOT subject to the whims of self-delusion. How you choose to interpret or disguise reality does NOT alter reality itself. A pacifist army of clever hippicentrics have shown their egocentric friends that blurring the line between perception & reality conveniently makes life... easier! Eventually, they learn to completely corrupt facts by mainstreaming infantile notions like: “your reality!” If I close my eyes, you go away!

There is no Reality-on-Demand! Somewhere, there ARE concrete answers. To everything. Whether they're incomprehensible or we simply choose not to see them doesn't matter, they are there. Reality is not subject to our wants, needs, or beliefs…and therein lays the problem. People willingly base their vision of reality on narratives and beliefs, rather than basing their beliefs on reality while committing to see it authentically.


People gleefully construct rationalizations (narratives) while speaking from a position of "want" rather than a one of fact in order to hold their HappyZone! What results from this process is our "narrative." ALL of us, at some time or another, blatantly refuse to see reality as it actually is. I’ve known this for a long time. I also understand that some people simply must exist dependent on these fictions. What I didn’t realize is the degree to which some desperately clutch to these narratives. Part of my "floating bullshit" was thinking that people wanted to see this at work in their lives! Ha!

The struggle it seems is to simply cut through our own "floating bullshit"; to “Know Thyself” through a commitment to at least trying to find pure truth. Resigning ourselves to a flawed perception as “the best we can do” is intellectual & spiritual laziness. There are things we’re not capable of understanding, just as cavemen couldn’t explain thunderstorms 10,000 years ago. However, our inability to comprehend did NOT mean Thor really hurled lightning bolts! Nor does it mean the universe shape-shifts to the whims of “your reality.”


Shouldn't people embrace “I don’t know” rather than applying ridiculous, egoistic explanations?

Moving On

Things are finally transitioning, and I’ve decided to re-post and finish the Azrael’s story as well as the rest of March. Azzie, to his credit, has obviously proven to be a powerful mirror and the experience is bearing fruit, although it’s slightly bitter.

I’ve repeatedly agonized over what to share and keep to myself. I’ve struggled over better and more important people than The Reaper; people such as Chris, Andre, my father, and The Hens. Considering that I’ve sacrificed each of these relationships as a result, EVERY person I’ve asked agree:

1. He chose to leave me in Monterey without warning.
2. I offered the chance to tell “his side” of the story.
3. He declined.
4. Fuck him.

Despite this (and his threats) I actually believe Azzie’s well-intentioned but inadvertently hoisted himself atop a pedestal when he hitched his wagon to Jesus's mule, began doing newspaper interviews while soliciting money with his "righteous calling" as a marketing tool. These create expectations that are tough to meet, and rightfully so. Rather than an unquestioned pat on the head, they command an accountability from anyone saddling the camel to ride the Bible to a “book deal”. If thinking so makes me an “arrogant jackass”, so be it. I’m not running for office, and I'd rather be an asshole than a hypocrite. I’ve been threatened by tougher and called worse by better. Intentions aside, I said in another post that Azrael strikes me as someone co-opted to play the part of a walking billboard; an unpaid extreme traveling salesmen. In retrospect, I see no reason to amend that.

Finally, I should clarify what many of you have surely noticed. While the places and events are real, Azrael/ Rael is a fictitious name—he’s the first I’ve offered the courtesy. I’ve stripped his image from my site because I don't want to promote him or his cause-- nor do I have an interest in embarrassing or humiliating him.

Yet, I believe this story should be told because he serves as a powerful example and insight into humanity and the short-comings of the many we wrongly hold in excessively high esteem. He is Santa Clausification personified.

At least Azreal believes in something and pursues it. However, for us the trouble with idols, heroes, and role models is that as soon as we believe they’re special, it can relieve us of the responsibility of ourselves being the people we imagine. We can choose to live through our heroes rather than live ourselves, and can resign people to waiting for The Miracle; “someone or something to show them the way.”


What if it was taught that no one’s particularly remarkable, there’s no need to try to be special because we’re all equally, fundamentally, and hopelessly flawed… thus equal? How many MLK’s would arise from their couches?

Good luck, Rael. I hope you find what you're after and you were right about one thing: We are all flawed human beings. Thank fukkin' God.

Enough of the happy-happy, joy-joy shit. I now resume my role as The Master Realist…